


His Way Home

by hunters_retreat



Series: Whedon Verse Fusions [6]
Category: Dollhouse, Supernatural, Supernatural/Dollhouse - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Doll Castiel, Dollhouse Fusion, Lost Castiel, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-20 21:52:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4803560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunters_retreat/pseuds/hunters_retreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean can't have him.  He can't keep him but he can't let go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	His Way Home

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the drabble meme for [](http://bloodyfire.livejournal.com/profile)[bloodyfire](http://bloodyfire.livejournal.com/)'s prompt of doll!Castiel/Dean.  I didn't think it would turn out this angsty but ...well.... there we are :P

  
He stares at the man in front of him and smiles even though it breaks his heart.  He can’t keep it up, can’t allow the moments of pleasure to stop because as soon as the pleasure stops he remembers everything else and he can’t keep him.  He can’t let go completely but he can’t keep him.  He never can.

Instead he buries himself inside his body and Castiel moans, arching his back and whispering words of the divine they both know he’ll never see again.  Dean kisses him passionately; trying to put into the kiss everything he can, wishing for just a moment that when it was all said and done his kiss was worth losing Heaven for. 

“Love you Dean.”  Castiel says, voice low and dark and it creeps into the places that don’t see light of day.  They can’t.  It’s like Castiel’s former form, too glorious for the world to see and Dean knows that it used to be like that for them once.  Before.

He comes inside Castiel’s body, the one that used to belong to a man named Jimmy before his soul left and went to Heaven in a moment of sacrifice that was far too familiar to Dean.  Only Jimmy got Heaven out of his deal.  Dean tries not to think of his own deal because even with everything that happened, he knows he’d never do it differently.  He’d trade his own life for Sam over and over again and he didn’t care what else happened.  The world could burn if Sam wasn’t part of it and considering what that means for the man he was in love with, it didn’t say good things about him.

When his body stops shaking, he rolls over and off Castiel, sitting up on the bed and rubbing his hand over his eyes.  He grabs for his jeans and pulls out the cell phone.  They answer on the first ring.  “You can come now.”  Dean says softly.

“Dean?” 

“Yeah Cas?”

"What’s going on?”

Dean shakes his head and looks over his shoulder as Castiel brings his hand up to Dean’s back.  “Nothing.”

“Hey… it’s okay.”  Castiel says, his voice back to normal now, passion spent and quiet concern written in his tone and in the set of his eyes.  “I know… I know it hasn’t been easy, but we made it this far.  We’ll be okay.”

Dean nods but feels the tears trying to break free.  He takes a deep breath and pushes them aside.  “Yeah, we’ll be okay.”

“I know you don’t believe it Dean, but it was worth it.  What we did?  It was worth it.  Being with you?  That was worth it.”  He says and kisses Dean with so much emotion that it sets Dean’s tears flowing.  He loses himself in the kiss, lets the depth of his sorrow and pain into it, lets Castiel devour them with his tongue and lips and soul.

When the knock comes, Dean stands up and pulls away quickly, scrubbing a hand over his face before throwing on a pair of jeans before letting them in.

“Castiel, are you ready for your treatment?”  Boyd says as he comes in, giving Dean a sorrowful eye before he settles on Cas.

Castiel smiles at him.  “Yes, I am.”  He says, then throws his clothes on quickly.  He stands in front of Dean and kisses him softly.  “I’ll be right back.”

“Yeah.  I’ll still be here.”  Dean lies. 

When they walk out he sees her coming.  He doesn’t want to think about it but he has to.  “Still sending him back?”  DeWitt asks him.

“I can’t…”  He stops because he can’t lose control in front of her.  Since the moment he met her DeWitt was an interesting combination of sympathy and cold bitch that he’s never been able to figure out. 

He can’t keep doing this, he knows it.  He can’t continue to bring Castiel to him and send him away and he can’t keep him.  He isn’t the Castiel he knew.  He’s only the parts Dean wants.  The parts that Castiel can live with.  The rest… the rest lies in a wedge at the Dollhouse.  Ironic how his body was just a vessel for Castiel and now it’s become a vessel for anyone that will buy him.  And from what DeWitt says, he is very popular. 

He met her when one of their dolls was killed and she went back to haunt the Dollhouse.  Sam and Dean had saved them and went back about their business.  He didn’t think anything of it, other than how crazy people were to sign their lives away, until the end.  It didn’t happen at first.  When Castiel fell from grace the loss of his wings was lost to the battle with the Apocalypse.  He fell in with Sam and Dean and never looked back.

When it was over though?  When the battle against evil wasn’t pressing into them everyday?  Castiel went insane.  He railed about being unable to speak to his father, about being mortal and how his spirit was never meant to be such.  Anna showed up to see him and he slit his wrists to send her away.  He slit his wrists three more times to end his suffering, trying to send himself to Hell which he was sure he was headed for since Heaven had taken his wings. 

He’d found the number and called Boyd who brought them in.  It was a favor to him.  They took Castiel in and made him just a vessel until Dean called because his need to see the man he loved was too great.  They’d send him Castiel, the Cas that Dean remembered from the days of battle, not the manically depressed man who longed for immortality and an end to his numbered days. 

Every time DeWitt came after, asking if it was time for Castiel to be returned to him, to restore his memories.  Every time Dean told her no.  Today was no different.

“He has residual memories Dean.  Before long, we won’t be able to keep putting him back together.”

“When it happens I’ll take it from there, but just not yet.  I… it’s not him but I can’t risk it yet.  Maybe in time…” 

He doesn’t know though.  He hopes.  Maybe in time his body will forget the rapture of Heaven?  That he will forget the bliss he’d described so many times?  He doesn’t know if its possible but he hopes because he doesn’t have anything else.

DeWitt puts an arm on his shoulder and nods.  “We’ll take good care of him Dean.”

When she leaves there is another pair of footsteps through the doorway and he doesn’t need to look up when he feels the arm slide around his shoulders.  He hates to lose control in front of Sam, but he’s all he has and he understands better than anyone could.  In ways that no one else ever could.  Sam never sees Castiel, can’t look at him and not feel his own guilt.  Sam who loves him in his own way and understands what they all lost when Castiel had fallen from Heaven.  They mourn for a few minutes that way, just as they did each time Dean sent Castiel back.

“Stay or head out?”  Sam finally asks when Dean shifts slightly under his arm.

“Out.”  His voice is cracked and heavy but there is something promising about being on the road with Sam.  His brother is throwing his stuff in a bag in a familiar imitation of the way Dean cared for him after Jessica’s death and the way he will for a few days until Dean gets his head clear again.  Until then, Sam is taking care of him and it feels somehow like the world has come full circle. 

His heart is hollow, in another imitation, but of the way he felt when Sam was at Stanford and he was hunting with Dad.  Only this time there’s a difference.  He has hope.  He and Sam both have hope.  Somehow they’ll find a way to get each other through it all and they both have faith, yes faith, that they’ll find a way to bring Castiel back to himself as well.  When they’ve healed enough to help him, they’ll save him and Castiel will find his way home. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
